A Simple Guide to Moving

How to Move 1200 Miles Away, in 24 Easy Steps

1.  Start out by moving 500 miles away to a place that is still out of your comfort zone but totally okay to live in for a year.

2.  Decide that your boss is a terrible human and quit your job.

3.  Decide that you need a bigger city.  Discuss your moving options:  maybe at first you will think it’s totally feasible to move to Seattle.  Then decide that it’s not and ugh, rain.  Reiterate to many, many people that you have absolutely no interest in staying in the South, except you’ll really miss the biscuits.  Finally decide on the northeast, because it’s close(ish), and it has public transportation and good beer.

4.  Make contacts in all of these cities.  Ask your contacts a myriad of obnoxious questions about each city.

5.  Apply to eleventy billion jobs, many of which seem mediocre at best.  Start to stress out about many factors related to this.

6.  Find a posting online for a job you’ve already applied to.  Apply again.

7.  Receive a phone call for a spontaneous interview the very next morning.  Try to pretend you weren’t still asleep at 9 a.m.

8.  Somehow fumble your way through the interview and schedule a follow-up Skype interview.

9.  Contemplate wearing a button-down shirt and pajama pants for your interview.  Nix the idea.

10.  Somehow fumble your way through the Skype interview, with the news that if you got the job you would have to move a week later.

11.  Spend the rest of the week and weekend on edge.  Decide that you probably didn’t get the job.

12.  On your way home from a wedding, stop at your favorite burger restaurant in Nashville for a picnic dinner.  Receive a phone call with a job offer.  Choke down a few bites of your burger, then freak out.

13.  Throw all your clothes into a suitcase.  Put a copy of Bridesmaids, two books, and a skillet in a box.  Stuff these things haphazardly into your car.

14.  Suddenly remember that after your 2-day stay in a hotel, you will have nowhere to live.  Desperately reach out to your contacts.  Remember that an old high school friend lives in Boston.  Breathe a sigh of relief when he offers you his futon.

15.  Buy a LOT of road snacks, then download an audiobook and a Noah and the Whale album.  Cry a lot about leaving your dog.

16.  Drive 10 hours to Philly.  Feel proud of yourself when you put air in your tires all by yourself and only get lost once.

17.  Let yourself into your friend’s apartment while she is at a wedding, using a complex series of directions.  Fall asleep on friend’s couch while trying to wait up for her.

18.  Wake up several hours later to your friend jumping on top of you.  Become too excited to sleep.

19.  Leave Philly the following day, confident that the next 5-hour leg will be a piece of cake.

20.  Get excited to drive through New York.  Immediately feel your excitement deflate when you end up sitting in a parking lot on the highway.

21.  Spend entirely too much money on tolls.  Curse the northeast.

22.  Arrive in the suburbs of Boston 8 hours after departure.  Find the only restaurant that’s open and do a happy dance when you realize you can order toasted ravioli for dinner.

23.  Spend the next week working, commuting, living out of your car, and eating frozen pizza.  Curse Boston drivers on the reg.  Get lost 17+ times.  Cry in the car.  Ask dumb questions like, “how do I buy a train ticket?” and “what is an EZ Pass?” and “can you swim in this ocean?” and “WHY ARE SO MANY PEOPLE DRIVING ON THIS HIGHWAY???”

24.  Survive your first week of work and big-city living.  Then, realize that you still haven’t actually gone into Boston.  Plan a relaxing Saturday of wandering around the town and hopefully getting lost no more than 5 times.  A girl can dream.

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